Here I Go Again

Day 217


I THINK he may be coming back into my life.

I know.

I shouldn’t let him back into my life and bed.

But I don’t think we are done with each other yet.

Our communication has really dwindled the last couple of months. We’ll exchange jokes, briefly catch up on what’s happening in our lives…the kind of stuff FRIENDS do.

But over the last couple of weeks, the conversations have been flirty…and he’s getting more sexual with me.

In fact, we had one hell of a conversation earlier this week.

It all started when I posted  this comment on Facebook: “Since when did Linked In connections become love connections? Some guy just made a pass at me on Linked In. REALLY?!?”

As expected, my friends got a big laugh out of it with me. But I got this private message from Peter…

Peter: A dude checked out your resume on LinkedIn and proceeded to hit on you? (I kinda get that, though.)

Me: Yeah… Made me laugh. Guess he has good taste.

Peter: I just pulled it up on Google… no photo… yeah, he has good taste, and he plays probabilities: your profession runs less ugly than most

Me: my linked in photo is the one from April when I was newly McPhee’d.  And I ain’t the purtiest one out there by any means…

Peter: Your photo did not pop up on Google… I must make another attempt…

Me: that’s the linked in pic… one of my better ones, I have to admit…though my nose is a little large in it…

(insert photo here)

I’m just relieved that you still kinda sorta like me…

Peter: McPhee’d… you made a word… you are hot

Me: I’m a word smith… and I’m talented in many things…

Peter: I understand your written and oral talents

Me: Yes, I am very talented with my mouth…

Peter Braggart. Brag any more and my ginormous penis will be written about.

Yeah…we ended up cybering each other…all night. (No…I’m not going to let y’all read the rest of the conversation. Some things need to remain private between the two of us.) However, he implied that he is still having some erectile issues caused by his prostatitis. (And probably depression. I  think he  suffers from low grade depression brought on by his recent illness and his relationship quandry with HER and me.)

I suspect if he felt more confident in his ability to perform, we would be sleeping together. (He won’t take the ED drugs; he hates what they do to his blood pressure.)

The sexual attraction is still there between us. That’s no surprise. THAT will always be there between us, no matter what.

And, Peter is a bit of a voyeur as well. Again, that’s not a surprise. He’s essentially said that to me as well.  So I suspect he kind of likes thinking about me with other guys.

But, I also think he is a tad more possessive of me than I realized. Whenever I make a comment about guys I go out with, he ALWAYS messages me and tells me to be careful, watch out for opportunists and douche bags.

After the other night, I believe he is thinking about restarting our physical relationship. I know  about the addiction affair partners develop for each other.  Especially if they don’t cease contact.

There’s probably some of that going on between us.

But our history together, the fact that both of us never forgot about the other during our relationships with Robert and Amy, indicates there’s something more going on between us than lust.

That doesn’t mean, however, that I’m going to stop seeing other men.

I’m not completely stupid.  Peter and I are NOT in an exclusive relationship.

In fact, the dude who stood me up last week is trying to get back into my good graces. And there are a couple of 30 somethings who have made it perfectly clear they want to hook up. (I don’t do hook ups…and I am pacing the meetings with these two young guys until I feel comfortable with them.)  There is even a fourth guy my age who’s pressing for a meeting as well.   I’m quite sure all four of these guys would be “flings;” nothing wrong with that if you in agreement about WHAT the relationship is about.

Yes…these four guys are all for another post…once I see what’s going on with them.

So, here I go again…

Hold On

Day 104

I”m sure you all must be wondering how my lunch  with Peter went.

Very well.  🙂

Yesterday  was the first time he has seen me with my new hair color.  And, he seemed to like it.  He said it brought out different skin tones…and made me look a lot like I did when we were dating back in 1989.  🙂  What 48 year old woman doesn’t appreciate being told she looks 25?

Second, considering that Peter still feels unwell, he looks rested.  There was a sparkle in his beautiful blue eyes I had not seen in a while. I wonder if it was the company or just the fact it was a gorgeous spring day.

After we ordered our meal, he filled me in on his adventures with his frat buddies on Saturday night.  I won’t tell you the whole story, but he got the chance  blow off some steam..and just BE.  No thinking about his health problems or his relationship issues with HER (and me).

All of which made me happy.

Now, I had decided I was NOT going to ask Peter about HER health issues.  If he brought it up, I would ask, obviously.  But, I wanted him to tell me on his own.

And, he did.

(drum roll please)

SHE doesn’t have cervical cancer.

Blood work normal…PAP smear normal.

HER health care provider said cervix was irritated (probably by an infection)  when she had her pelvic exam, which is what caused the abnormal bleeding.

I knew it.

While I do think that she experienced some bleeding…and enough to concern the healthcare provider, SHE probably said it was cancer, not her doctor.

In other words, she exaggerated…probably in an attempt to gain Peter’s attention.


All I said in response was “A lot of women do have minor bleeding after a PAP smear…and if she did have some kind of infection that had irritated her cervix, then the bleeding during the scrape is a typical reaction.   But, I am  glad she is okay.”

I did keep my mouth shut about WHAT could have caused the infection; an STD of some sort (like chlamydia, or gonorrhea) or, more likely, HPV, since she has been diagnosed with it in the past.  From what I have read, prostatistis is NOT contagious, and cannot be transmitted to your sexual partners.

Peter returns to his doctor tomorrow to discuss his treatment options. He is going to ask for an MRI just to make sure there isn’t something that the biopsy did not catch.   Neither of us could speculate on what the doctor may do; Peter just hopes he will be able to start living a normal life soon, and get his “junk” working again.

This was the first time he said anything about erectile dysfunction.  It makes perfect sense.  Let’s face it, if you experience pain and burning at the “big moment”  you aren’t going to be too eager to have sex.

Apparently SHE is not too happy about his performance issues…and putting additional pressure on him to have sex.  While I did not ask him this, I have a feeling he ISN’T performing acts that do not require full intercourse.

I’m wise enough to know that putting pressure on a guy to perform “on demand” is the best way to ensure he can’t.   And, it is simply my nature to be patient in situations like this. (One of the benefits of dating a much older man;…I’ve already experienced periods of ED with Robert)   From what I have seen, SHE isn’t a patient woman. (Boy, is THAT an understatement.)

Peter is also pretty sure she isn’t sleeping with her sociopath of of an ex.  (Satan apparently is seeing someone.)  But, Peter is unhappy that SHE is spending far too much time with the ex.  I simply reminded him that it didn’t matter if “Satan” was seeing anyone else; She could still be fooling around with the dirt bag.  SHE sounds very capable of conducting a revenge affair…especially since SHE probably still suspects Peter of straying.

What I appreciated the most was simply TALKING with him.  I had forgotten just how much I LIKE him.  We got to enjoy each other in a non-sexual way, and the chance to communicate openly with each other.

I felt much lighter in spirit and reassured his feelings for me have not changed.  While he is still on the fence about his future, HER health issues won’t play a part in his decision.   All I can do for now is be patient, supportive, and kind. I really don’t think he is going to leave HER for ME. But, he could decided to leave her because it’s right for HIM.

In other words…I gotta hold on…and continue to be myself. It will turn out they way it’s supposed to turn out.