When I Was Your Man


Year One, Month Eleven, Day 17

It’s been exactly two years since I broke up with Robert.

Time flies when you’re having fun.

What’s funny though, is that I ran into his best friend, Sarah,  about a week ago at the Trader Joe’s near my condo.

I hadn’t seen in her more than two years…and had not talked with her since a few months after I dumped Robert.

She hadn’t changed a bit, and I was very happy to see her

After she and I got caught up on each others lives (Yes, I told her about Alex, and how happy he made me), I asked her how Robert was doing.

She looked me, shook her head sadly, and said, “Lizzie, he is worse than he was when you broke up with him.  He is more crochety, disagreeable, and he’s gotten mean-spirited.  His house is falling down around his ears.  He hasn’t gotten the air and heating system fixed YET, and he hates his job. ”

I said, “Sounds about right.”

Sarah continued, “Lizzie, not too long ago he texted me and Chuck to meet him to see a band downtown.  I replied saying it sounded fun…when do you want to meet?”  No response.  I continued to text him asking when he wanted to get together….and still heard nothing. When the day came for the show, I hadn’t heard from him, so Chuck and I decided to head to the club on our own.  We ordered a drink, and I got a text from him saying ‘Guess you’re not interested in coming. See you next time.’  Fifteen minutes later, he walked into the club and was shocked to see us.  He was there to hook up with someone.  Good God, Lizzie!  He’s 67 years old….and the women there were mostly in their 20’s.  They would look at him and say, ‘Aw…you’re so cute…just like my grandfather.’

I said, “I’m not surprised.  He always thought he was the best lover in the town.  Hate to tell you, but he’s not…and IT is not a big deal.”

“Lizzie,” she continued, “You did the right thing by breaking up with him.  I’ll tell you, he was upset about the breakup  for months.  I finally told him ‘you were lucky she put up with your shit for 23 years.  If you hadn’t lied and cheated on her and treated her the way you should have she never would have never left you.’

We parted soon after Sarah said that, each of us promising to keep in touch.

I know we won’t.

But that conversation with her stuck with me.  It confirmed that my decision to end things with him was right.

I don’t feel angry at Robert any more.

I feel sorry for him; an old man trying to pick up women forty years younger than he?  Stuck in a dilapidated house with a job he hates and no family to care if he lives or dies.

It’s pathetic.  And I am lucky to be out of it and with a kind generous man who loves me.

So when I heard this Bruno Mars song yesterday, I immediately thought of Robert:

My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should’ve bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should’ve gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
‘Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby’s dancing
But she’s dancing with another man

Although it hurts
I’ll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I’m probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know

I hope he buys you flowers
I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours
When he has the chance
Take you to every party
‘Cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man

 

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Don’t Stop Believin’


Year 1, Month 3, Day 5

Sorry for the cliché Journey song…but it is perfect for this post. LB

Turning fifty is a milestone; one I will celebrate A LOT in the coming months since most of my friends are hitting the half century mark this year.

In fact, I went to my first fiftieth birthday bash last night.

Holy-Bleep-3-Ply-Lunch-Napkins-50th-Birthday1

Last night’s birthday girl has had a bad couple of years.  She discovered her husband of 32 years had been having an affair.  She has always struggled with depression and fell into alcoholism after discovering her husband’s cheating.  Her hubby, also struggling with depression, had to get his shit together to help my friend find her way back from the brink.

They aren’t out of the woods yet, but seeing them together last night did my heart good….and gave me hope.  They are fighting to save their life together.   And even though they still struggle (my friend fell off the wagon about a month ago), they are walking proof of the tired old cliché, “If at first if you don’t succeed, try again.”

And, like most clichés, there is an element of truth in it….especially in your love life.

Think about it like this, Gentle Reader.

If you had given up on learning how walk after the first few times you fell on your ass you would still be crawling on your hands and knees. Or, if you had stopped learning how to use a knife and fork at meals, you would be eating like an animal on business lunches and dates.

But you didn’t give up… because it is human instinct to keep going.

As you learn, you always stumble and fall…until you find your feet and you take a few steps forward.

The same thing applies to our romantic relationships.

You will kiss a few frogs…you will be heartbroken a few times…you will want to crawl into a hole and vow to never get involved with anyone else.

But if you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable, you’ll never enjoy the happiness at the end of it all.

Seeing my friend and her husband last night made me realize I shouldn’t hide myself away. I don’t need to settle for superficial “FWB” relationships and being second best.  I need embrace the falls and heart breaks when they happen and learn from them.

Loving myself and opening my heart are the first faltering steps into my next fifty years.

And I’m going to make fifty look fabulous.

Going for the Gold


Year One, Month 2, Day 29

Gold, Silver, Bronze

I enjoy the Olympics…particularly the Winter Games.

I love the grace and beauty of figure skating.  I admire the sheer bravery of the sliding athletes (bobsled, luge and skeleton).   The stunts in Freestyle skiing and half pipe snowboarding are astonishing.

It’s great to see the best athletes in the world compete and win.   And, I always feel a little bad for the silver medalist.  To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld, “You’re the best of the losers.  Nobody lost better than you.”  Sure, it’s funny.  But it’s true.

These kids work, train, and give up their lives to achieve their dreams of Olympic glory. And then to miss the gold medal by 1/100 of a second must be heartbreaking.

While they make the medal stand and glad to be there, part of them has be a little sad at coming up second best.

That’s a feeling I know all too well, Gentle Reader.

And I hate it.

I have had a few stark reminders the last couple weeks that I am, for some reason, always second best when it comes to men.

I waited in vain for Robert to propose. I settled for being Peter’s dirty little secret…. not just last year but when we first dated in 1989.   Troy had other plans and things that were more important than me. I fucked a married guy and allowed him to walk away scot-free. And I now find myself in a sexual relationship with a man while I continue looking for my Mr. Darcy.

I’m not sure why men never see me as the prize.  I’m intelligent, funny, not unattractive, loving, loyal, passionate and caring.   I’m a great cook, and not afraid to use power tools or change a tire. I don’t need a man to complete me…but I do want one to complement me.

I am a happier and more stable person than I was this time a year ago, but I know the chances of finding love, at my age, are slim.

Why do men ALWAYS see me as the back up girl…the bridesmaid…the silver medalist?

Is it because I see myself as second best; not worthy of being a man’s first choice?

That’s a thought that’s going to fester, Gentle Readers.

I’m tired of coming in second.

I want that gold medal.