When I Was Your Man


Year One, Month Eleven, Day 17

It’s been exactly two years since I broke up with Robert.

Time flies when you’re having fun.

What’s funny though, is that I ran into his best friend, Sarah,  about a week ago at the Trader Joe’s near my condo.

I hadn’t seen in her more than two years…and had not talked with her since a few months after I dumped Robert.

She hadn’t changed a bit, and I was very happy to see her

After she and I got caught up on each others lives (Yes, I told her about Alex, and how happy he made me), I asked her how Robert was doing.

She looked me, shook her head sadly, and said, “Lizzie, he is worse than he was when you broke up with him.  He is more crochety, disagreeable, and he’s gotten mean-spirited.  His house is falling down around his ears.  He hasn’t gotten the air and heating system fixed YET, and he hates his job. ”

I said, “Sounds about right.”

Sarah continued, “Lizzie, not too long ago he texted me and Chuck to meet him to see a band downtown.  I replied saying it sounded fun…when do you want to meet?”  No response.  I continued to text him asking when he wanted to get together….and still heard nothing. When the day came for the show, I hadn’t heard from him, so Chuck and I decided to head to the club on our own.  We ordered a drink, and I got a text from him saying ‘Guess you’re not interested in coming. See you next time.’  Fifteen minutes later, he walked into the club and was shocked to see us.  He was there to hook up with someone.  Good God, Lizzie!  He’s 67 years old….and the women there were mostly in their 20’s.  They would look at him and say, ‘Aw…you’re so cute…just like my grandfather.’

I said, “I’m not surprised.  He always thought he was the best lover in the town.  Hate to tell you, but he’s not…and IT is not a big deal.”

“Lizzie,” she continued, “You did the right thing by breaking up with him.  I’ll tell you, he was upset about the breakup  for months.  I finally told him ‘you were lucky she put up with your shit for 23 years.  If you hadn’t lied and cheated on her and treated her the way you should have she never would have never left you.’

We parted soon after Sarah said that, each of us promising to keep in touch.

I know we won’t.

But that conversation with her stuck with me.  It confirmed that my decision to end things with him was right.

I don’t feel angry at Robert any more.

I feel sorry for him; an old man trying to pick up women forty years younger than he?  Stuck in a dilapidated house with a job he hates and no family to care if he lives or dies.

It’s pathetic.  And I am lucky to be out of it and with a kind generous man who loves me.

So when I heard this Bruno Mars song yesterday, I immediately thought of Robert:

My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should’ve bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should’ve gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
‘Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby’s dancing
But she’s dancing with another man

Although it hurts
I’ll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I’m probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know

I hope he buys you flowers
I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours
When he has the chance
Take you to every party
‘Cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man

 

Here Comes the Sun


Year 1, Month 3, Day 1

Welcome back, Gentle Reader.

I’m surprised you’ve returned, considering how gloomy my last posts were.   I guess all the wintry weather and Valentine’s Day got to me more than I realized.

But, I’m over it now.

I guess it was another case of the menopause blues.  🙂

When I woke up this morning, I could see the first rays of sunlight streaming into my bedroom, I could hear birds singing outside my window, and I could feel the warmth in the air.

The “long cold lonely winter” is nearly over.

Granted, I’m still not in a real relationship…I’m still in love with Peter… and I’m still looking for a full-time job.

But, the flip side is:

  • I know what I am looking for in a man (and I’m not going to settle)
  • I have the wisdom gained from my past relationships to guide me
  • I had a very promising job interview last week

In other words, things are starting to turn around for Lizzie.

I know it is trite to say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but it really does.  I recognized the signs I was about to slide into another extended period of depression, and I’m nipping it in the bud.   I am going to live in the present and let the past go.  I am actually grateful for the experiences I have had over the last six years.

I look back and smile, because the last six years made me who I am NOW… stronger and wiser.

I KNOW I’m not a silver medalist.  I KNOW I’m not second best.  I KNOW I am going to find my Mr. Darcy.

Here comes the sun…
Here comes the sun…and I say…
It’s all right…

It’s a Fool’s Game


Year 1, Month 2, Day 28

I want to do something REALLY, REALLY stupid.

I want to get back in touch with Troy.

You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.

I’ve been fighting the urge to go to his blog and see how he is doing. I’ve been restraining myself from shooting a quick “how you doing?’ text.

I KNOW logically it’s a BAD, BAD idea.

But I have found myself really missing HIM the last couple of weeks. Yes, I’m having sex (and really good sex) with Elliott on a regular basis, so it isn’t horniness that makes me want to reestablish contact with him.

I genuinely miss HIM. I miss our text flirting and chatting. I miss the cute pictures of his kids and hearing about what they are doing on their weekends together. I miss hearing him talk about his job and his travels.

I. Miss. Him.

Period.

Out of respect for his privacy, I haven’t explained WHY we stopped seeing each other. And I still won’t; he didn’t ask to have his private life all over the inter-webs, so I will honor my promise not to blog about what happened in November. And I won’t talk about why things sputtered to a halt before Christmas.

But part of me gets the feeling that it’s not really over between us…even though I realize it actually is.  I have this sense he does miss me just a little.  Though I do suspect he has moved on with his life and will end up with another woman.

It’s probably just wishful thinking on my part, I realize.

But, he could have been one of my “ones.” And I can’t stop myself from thinking I royally fucked things up with him by being too open, too honest with my feelings. That I needed to keep a lid on some of my feelings and not freak him out. My  sister said to let him go…if he really wanted me he would come back when he was ready….that he may the right one, it was just a case of the wrong time. The male friend I even talked to about this said “Don’t go back there. Troy has too much shit to get straightened out. It will just lead to a broken heart on your part.”

He’s right.  I KNOW he’s right.

I just need to keep telling myself that it’s a fool’s game for me to still be interested a man who has lost interest in me. That there are plenty of terrific men who will appreciate me for me.  That there are men without jalopies full of Louis Vuitton luggage and regrets.

I’m done with “standing in the rain…feeling like a clown.”

I just hope I can be strong enough to resist….