Why Am I Doing This?

If you would have told me two years ago that my life was about to be turned upside down, I would have laughed in your face.  After all, I had a long term boyfriend; so long term, in fact, that we were married in all but name.

Like all couples, we had our issues.  We had started to take each other for granted, and had stopped communicating.  Yada, yada, yada.

I knew our relationship was on life support.  But I wasn’t quite ready to pull the plug.

That’s when “Peter” came back into my life. He was my first love. We reconnected two years ago shortly after my surviving parent passed away, and became friends. By mid spring of 2012, Peter, who is engaged and living with his VERY unstable fiancee, and I had rekindled our love affair from 23 years ago. It continued throughout the summer…with Peter ending the PHYSICAL relationship in September.

A couple of weeks later, I found the courage to end my 23 year relationship with “Robert.” (Robert was the man for whom I left Peter.)

When the end finally came, it was a huge relief.

So here I am a forty-something female, completely on my own for the first time in more than twenty years.

Thinking.  (That’s a bad thing for me to do.)

No date for national holidays.  No one to kiss at Midnight on New Year’s Eve.  And it’s gonna be a depressing Valentine’s Day.

I made the choices that got me here. And they were the right choices.  I have no doubt about that.

And, it’s not all bad.  How many times do you get the chance to start over?  Especially if you’re middle aged and menopausal?  Not many.

Even though I don’t NEED a man to make me feel complete, I would LIKE to share my life with someone.

But how?  I wasn’t all that good at dating back in the day.  It’s even worse NOW.

I don’t want to be a cougar sitting in a smoky bar flirting with youngsters. And by youngsters I mean thirty-somethings.

So, I decide to take the plunge into the world of online dating.  What the hell!  Several of my friends have found their Prince Charming (or Miss Right) online.  Why not?!?

I sign up for a “romantic social network” app on Facebook.

Then, after a month of online “love” adventures, Peter restarts our physical relationship. He has faced down a possible prostate cancer scare, and is now undergoing treatment for Prostatitis. And, in an ironic twist, his fiancee claimed she may have cervical cancer.  (This all happened about the time Peter got the all clear on his cancer screening. )  HER cancer scare turned out to be nothing.  (Surprise surprise).   Her theatrics did succeed, however.  Peter ceased to visit me and our online communication dwindled as he found himself falling in love with another woman and ending his engagement to her.  (I am going to keep as many of those posts about Peter private.  Because we are now true friends, I need to let him live his life in peace.) He will only now be mentioned as a dear friend to whom I can turn for advice and support.

While Peter and I were drifting apart, I met and found myself getting involved with “Troy.”  But that relationship is now on a “break” and I seriously doubt if I’ll ever see or hear from him again. While I won’t delete those posts, I’ll keep most of them privately published.  Troy did not ask to have his love life in the spotlight, and I am going to protect his privacy as much as I possibly can while he tries to get his life back on track.

So, Lizzie is reluctantly back on the online dating treadmill.  It’s wearisome and frustrating…especially since I know there are plenty of good, decent men out there.  But finding the man who is right for me is like looking for needle in a haystack.

That’s part of the adventure. I would much rather live a life full of “oh wells” instead of “what ifs.” I’ve been living with what ifs  and peaceful resignation for the last twenty-five years.

And it sucked.

It’s time for Lizzie to find out about those what ifs and starting being HAPPY!

Thanks for coming along with me…let’s see if I make through with my heart intact…or broken into a million pieces…

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