Going for the Gold

Year One, Month 2, Day 29

I enjoy the Olympics…particularly the Winter Games.

I love the grace and beauty of figure skating.  I admire the sheer bravery of the sliding athletes (bobsled, luge and skeleton).   The stunts in Freestyle skiing and half pipe snowboarding are astonishing.

It’s great to see the best athletes in the world compete and win.   And, I always feel a little bad for the silver medalist.  To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld, “You’re the best of the losers.  Nobody lost better than you.”  Sure, it’s funny.  But it’s true.

These kids work, train, and give up their lives to achieve their dreams of Olympic glory. And then to miss the gold medal by 1/100 of a second must be heartbreaking.

While they make the medal stand and glad to be there, part of them has be a little sad at coming up second best.

That’s a feeling I know all too well, Gentle Reader.

And I hate it.

I have had a few stark reminders the last couple weeks that I am, for some reason, always second best when it comes to men.

I waited in vain for Robert to propose. I settled for being Peter’s dirty little secret…. not just last year but when we first dated in 1989.   Troy had other plans and things that were more important than me. I fucked a married guy and allowed him to walk away scot-free. And I now find myself in a sexual relationship with a man while I continue looking for my Mr. Darcy.

I’m not sure why men never see me as the prize.  I’m intelligent, funny, not unattractive, loving, loyal, passionate and caring.   I’m a great cook, and not afraid to use power tools or change a tire. I don’t need a man to complete me…but I do want one to complement me.

I am a happier and more stable person than I was this time a year ago, but I know the chances of finding love, at my age, are slim.

Why do men ALWAYS see me as the back up girl…the bridesmaid…the silver medalist?

Is it because I see myself as second best; not worthy of being a man’s first choice?

That’s a thought that’s going to fester, Gentle Readers.

I’m tired of coming in second.

I want that gold medal.

It’s a Fool’s Game

Year 1, Month 2, Day 28

I want to do something REALLY, REALLY stupid.

I want to get back in touch with Troy.

You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.

I’ve been fighting the urge to go to his blog and see how he is doing. I’ve been restraining myself from shooting a quick “how you doing?’ text.

I KNOW logically it’s a BAD, BAD idea.

But I have found myself really missing HIM the last couple of weeks. Yes, I’m having sex (and really good sex) with Elliott on a regular basis, so it isn’t horniness that makes me want to reestablish contact with him.

I genuinely miss HIM. I miss our text flirting and chatting. I miss the cute pictures of his kids and hearing about what they are doing on their weekends together. I miss hearing him talk about his job and his travels.

I. Miss. Him.

Period.

Out of respect for his privacy, I haven’t explained WHY we stopped seeing each other. And I still won’t; he didn’t ask to have his private life all over the inter-webs, so I will honor my promise not to blog about what happened in November. And I won’t talk about why things sputtered to a halt before Christmas.

But part of me gets the feeling that it’s not really over between us…even though I realize it actually is.  I have this sense he does miss me just a little.  Though I do suspect he has moved on with his life and will end up with another woman.

It’s probably just wishful thinking on my part, I realize.

But, he could have been one of my “ones.” And I can’t stop myself from thinking I royally fucked things up with him by being too open, too honest with my feelings. That I needed to keep a lid on some of my feelings and not freak him out. My  sister said to let him go…if he really wanted me he would come back when he was ready….that he may the right one, it was just a case of the wrong time. The male friend I even talked to about this said “Don’t go back there. Troy has too much shit to get straightened out. It will just lead to a broken heart on your part.”

He’s right.  I KNOW he’s right.

I just need to keep telling myself that it’s a fool’s game for me to still be interested a man who has lost interest in me. That there are plenty of terrific men who will appreciate me for me.  That there are men without jalopies full of Louis Vuitton luggage and regrets.

I’m done with “standing in the rain…feeling like a clown.”

I just hope I can be strong enough to resist….

There She Goes…

Year One, Month 1, Day 23

I’m going to keep this blog post short and sweet.

I am now in a FWB relationship with “Elliott.”

We have been out three times, and on our fourth date this past Sunday, he and I slept together.

Before we did, however, he made it perfectly clear that he did not want a serious relationship with me.  And after the realization I had last week about Peter, I knew I was not quite ready for a serious relationship either.

He is apparently seeing someone, and wants me to see other guys…just that if I find myself getting serious about a man, or if I sleep with someone else, to let him know and he’ll back away.

Since I am not the type to fuck several men at the same time, I am okay with our “arrangement.”  However, a girl does have needs…and I think that this “friendship” will help me from getting too serious about some one too quickly (a la Troy).

I just hope I’m not opening another can of worms with Elliott.  I know it’s difficult to keep from developing feelings for someone you sleep with regularly.   But, I suspect this “friendship” is going to be short-lived (and I intend to keep it short-lived) so I am going   to do my best to keep my emotions in check and hope to someone suitable for a long-term relationship.

Brave words, I know, Gentle Reader.

Here I go….